On the Regrets of the Dying

With the advent of Facebook I get my share of words and stories to live by. I often “share” them to my other FB friends. On occasion I feel them worthy of inclusion on this blog on the hope that someday Reese and Finn will read them.

This is one such occasion.

It’s a piece entitled “Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” In the event the folks at AARP ever pull it from their website, I’m pasting the relevant portion here.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have not honored even half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they’d made, or not made.

It’s important to try to honor at least some of your dreams along the way. It’s too late once you lose your health. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks, and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks: love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called “comfort” of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is your life. Choose consciously, choose wisely and choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Reading these, I’m happy to say I won’t die with many of these regrets. My grandparents did a good job of instilling in me the idea that we only go around once and that there’s no great virtue in working yourself to death.

Here’s hoping I can teach Reese and Finn the same thing.

Read Full Post »

Some Words of Wisdom

I don’t usually copy from Facebook onto the family blog, but I thought this was worth the effort. It’s a list of forty-five life lessons from a 90-year old woman named Regina Brett of Cleveland, Ohio. No idea who Ms. Brett is, but there are a handful of pearls in here:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step..

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7… Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9.. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11… Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it…

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16… Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23 Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will
this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does..

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38.. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Read Full Post »

Obama Teaches Another Great Life Lesson — But Not For the Reason He’d Think

I’m not so proud to say I’ve failed a bunch — but I’ve never blamed anyone but myself.

Here’s hoping the kids will follow my lead — not President Obama’s.

Read Full Post »

More Proof That Perception’s Everything

I try to keep Facebook and this blog as separated as possible. Every so often, however, I see something on Facebook that I think bears memorializing on these pages.

Today was one of those days.

The story of musical great Joshua Bell playing beggar in the Washington subway is a stinging indictment on how and why people place value.

The post is courtesy of my high school classmate Anne-Marie Topacio Pasoquen, and it speaks to the significance of perception:

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

A lesson worth preserving for Reese and Finn.

Read Full Post »

More on Looking Good

I’ve long believed that how you look is every bit as important as what you think. How you dress and take care of your body tells others how you value yourself and, thus, how they should value you. As Primo Levi said, “A respectable appearance is the best guarantee of being respected.” (More.) The driving prejudice in 21st century America is based on looks, not race.

Stacy and Clinton are right -- how you looks matters. Big time.

Today the folks over at TLC’s “What Not to Wear” — one of our favorite shows, by the way — posted a link on their Facebook feed to an article over at HowStuffWorks.com about the changing definitions of beauty. The piece discussed how perceptions of beauty have changed over the years and is a bit tangential for WNTW, which preaches the virtues of looking the best you can, regardless of whether that equates to objective “beauty.” It’s even slightly tangential for me: I buy into the WNTW ethos more than objective beauty per se. Nonetheless it’s worth a read, especially the first page, which makes the case that looking good actually makes a difference to the bottom line.

That’s all I have to say for now. It’s sunny outside, and I need to work on my tan.

UPDATE: I just heard a story about a movement that would afford ugly people legal protection. (More.)

Read Full Post »

Tiger Woods: The Anti-Role Model

I’ve long believed that people see others in Shakespearean terms — “to be or not to be.” From some we learn how to be — these some we call “role models.” I put my recently-deceased high school buddy Anthony King in that category. (More.) From others we learn how not to be — what I’d call “anti-role models.” I put my mom and most of the patients on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in that one.

I put Tiger Woods there, too. He built gobs of goodwill with me with his sticks — heck, I darn near have a section in my closet just for Nike golf garb. (Check out the pic in this entry.) But over the last few years he’s blown through it. After yesterday’s Masters telecast I’ll make it the official position of the Jenkins family parents vis-a-vis Reese and Finn: do not be like Tiger Woods.

His crime yesterday was being short — very short — with CBS interviewer Bill McAtee. The latter asked some fair questions in his quick interview with El Tigre after the latter had finished his final round — “Did you feel like you played well enough to win?,” “What will you do now?” etc. Not the stuff of Tim Russert to be sure, but par for the course for a thirty-second interview. Tiger’s curt responses — basically, “We’ll see” and “I’m gonna eat” — would have made Bill Bellichick blush. (More.) He didn’t even wait for MacAtee to sign off before he walked away. Must have been mighty hungry.

Cheetah's post-round interview with Bill MacAtee was the latest example of him showing contempt for both the game and other professionals.

This was hardly Tiger at his worst. His philandering, club throwing and on-course profanity (YouTube: Tiger Woods profanity) are the stuff of legend. The first was done in private and isn’t my business, but the latter two, which have caught the scorn of some pretty big names in the golf world (1I2), are done on course, on camera, and all the time. I’m pretty sure Tiger yelled a “f–k yeah” after making eagle on 8 yesterday — this from a guy who’s publicly admitted he needs to show more respect for the game. (Ya think?) This MacAtee incident was not only on national TV — it was done directly to another professional, and a pretty good one at that.

Professionals just don’t do that to other professionals on national TV. Jack, Arnie, Ernie, Phil — none would have treated an interviewer so dismissively. Tiger’s suspicions that he’d probably come up a few strokes short in his quest for green jacket number five doesn’t justify it. Luke Donald, Adam Scott and Jason Day all came up short in their quests for their first ones, yet somehow they were able to handle their post-round interviews with the class the occasion demanded. Ditto for Rory McIlroy, a kid fourteen years Tiger’s junior who knew he’d just made history for all the wrong reasons with his epic final round collapse. (Watch.) But Tiger couldn’t. He may as well have jumped on top of his playing partner’s line. I’m sure MacAtee would have preferred it had Tiger just said Heismanned the interview request altogether. At least then he’d have been spared being disrespected in front of millions.

None of this is to say that I don’t respect Cheetah as a player — and playah, for that matter, so long as he’s not married. His career record is second to one, he’s dominated the last decade-plus inside the ropes like no other, and he pulls off shots I — and probably some of his peers — can’t even imagine. Nor is it to say I don’t think he treats his peers on Tour well — at least those in its upper echelon. Nor is it even to say he should be more like Phil Mickelson, the proverbial anti-Tiger. I like Phil some, but he’s not without fault either: his sheepish, family guy persona strikes me as a bit contrived. (According to this article in GQ, I’m not alone.) What it is to say is that he should be more like a good and decent human being. Not just to his peers and the corporate fat cats who butter his bread. To everyone — fans, writers, even announcers whose questions he may not like.

Until he does, that sound you hear coming from casa de Jenkins on Sunday afternoons will be the Jenkins Family parents rooting against him.

Read Full Post »

Kaymer Just Keeps Delivering

His covered mouth notwithstanding, Martin Kaymer had the quote of the week at the World Matchplay.

I caught a nice little snippet this morning in Rich Lerner’s interview with German golfer Martin Kaymer. When Lerner asked the new world number one what kind of person he was, he quoted Roger Federer and said this:

“It’s nice to be important. But it’s more important to be nice.”

Not that I’m important, but hopefully one day Reese and Finn will be. I hope they’ll keep these Kaymer/Federer words in mind.

Read Full Post »

Seeing an Old Friend

Lenore and me, together again after way too many years.

Today the fam and I headed out to Bothell to visit an old friend of mine. Lenore Curtis was, along with Movae Jorgensen, my grandma’s best bud. I have fond memories of her, her late husband Norman, and Trig and Movae (also deceased). We spent a great deal of time together when I was younger and some of my fondest childhood memories involve that crowd.

Lenore and Norman with my grandma, 1989.

Lenore’s ninety-two years old now and, if actuarial tables are right, she doesn’t have much time left. I hadn’t seen her in twenty years, and I doubt she remembered me at first. (I’ve put a few pounds on since I saw her last.) But she did seem to remember Helen and Nick, and I think things clicked just a little after I reminded her of some times past. She didn’t talk much, but she responded enough to let me know she understood what we were talking about. We only stayed for about thirty minutes. I’m glad I got to say hello. I hope it wasn’t also goodbye.

My grandma and grandpa with Lenore and Norman, circa late 1970's.

Lenore and Norman with my grandma and me, circa 1977.

I put this in “Lessons for Kids” category for a reason. Lots of people come and go through life. Most are by circumstance, and when circumstances change they are long gone. Some people, however, are such good eggs that circumstances are worth fighting to keep them near. Lenore, Norman, Trig and Movae were such eggs. Circumstances in my life changed to such an extent that they got away and I didn’t do much to fight it. Looking back, that was to my great detriment. I should have stayed closer.

We should cherish people like them in our lives.

You never know when they’ll be gone.

Read Full Post »

Lessons Learned From the Betcha.com Debacle

This is the second of a two-part entry on Betcha.com. (The first.) It was not easy to write.

Life’s a waste if you’re not learning lessons along the way. And with the Betcha.com matter, I learned many, none of which were good:

1. The promise of blind justice is an empty one — at least in Washington State.
At every level of the Betcha litigation, at least one judge went out of his/her way to rule against us, making up law, facts or both without even the State’s urging. Judge Gary Tabor ruled that the rule of strict construction did not apply to our case because it was, at the time, a civil proceeding. The State’s silence on this point wasn’t surprising: every court in the nation that had ever considered the argument had rejected it — including the United States Supreme Court. Judge Tabor came up with this argument on his own, with no legal authority whatsoever. He actually committed about seven errors of law in his verbal ruling — no easy feat, that.

Washington courts may not be as notorious as Roland Freisler's infamous Nazi courts, but in terms of their willingness to pick the winner and reason backwards, they are every bit as unfair.

Appellate Judge Elaine Houghton dissented in our win because, inter alia, we hosted our servers in Vancouver, BC. How the location of our servers has any bearing on the meaning of criminal statutes is beyond me. (More.)

The Washington State Supreme Court ruled that I was a “professional gambler” even though no one was actually gambling. In doing so, it literally rewrote the definition of “bookmaking” by changing “accepting bets … in which a fee is charged” to “charg(ing) fees for the opportunity to place bets”; made up facts that the State did not allege and that weren’t in the record; and ignored entire chunks of our briefing if not all our briefing altogether. (More here and here.)

It would be easy to chalk this up to bad judging, and while there was some of that going on, it was actually worse. Bad judges misapply fact to law and don’t consider the parties’ arguments. They don’t make up facts and law without the parties’ invitation and rewrite statutes to include words that aren’t there. That’s the sign of judging where the winner is picked first, regardless of the law. That’s not how blind justice is supposed to work.

An anomoly? Perhaps. The Betcha case was in the news and had the State lost, lots of folks in Olympia, including Governor Chris Gregoire, would have had some ‘splaining to do. Embarrassing or not, judges are supposed to apply fact to law and the judges involved in the Betcha case clearly did not.

2. All the constitutional rights in the world are basically worthless unless you’re willing to litigate.
No doubt we’re supposed to have constitutional rights. But they are basically worthless unless you’re willing to litigate. For example, the First Amendment clearly gives us the right to petition the government for redress of grievances. That right includes the right to stand up to the government and, if need be, take it to court. That didn’t stop the Washington State Gambling Commission from retaliating against me by calling in their buddies from Louisiana when I stood up to them. That cost me a bundle, and my only redress was to file a subsequent civil rights action years later which, in turn, invited even more retaliation. In other words, rights are well and good, but they aren’t worth a hill of beans when you actually need them.

All well and good in theory -- but that's about it.

3. Don’t stand up to the government. REPEAT: do not stand up to the government.
In the Betcha case the government treated our constitutional rights like toilet paper. The judges had their back. When we sued we were greeted with a body of law that says government officials cannot be held financially liable for their mistakes. What constitutes a “mistake” is, of course, open to debate, but that body of law alone gives government officials at least somewhat of a license to do whatever they want: judges are notoriously reluctant to make government pay, especially when that government already has multi-billion dollar budgetary shortfalls. In other words, if you want to stand up to the government, watch out. Which brings me to my next lesson:

4. Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
What the bureaucrats did in response to Betcha is well chronicled in this blog (most thoroughly here), and with the judges having their backs, who can blame them? But bureaucrats really have no shame — at one point in 2009, the Washington State Gambling Commission actually tried to change the law to cover Betcha.com via the state budget — while we were still litigating the very same law! I gave myself an “A” for my willingness to stand up and fight. Gotta give the bureaucrats the same mark.

Celebrating an empty promise? As of now, I think so.

All of these lessons are hard ones to learn for a guy who believed, above all, in standing up for what’s right, and who used to be the only one on his block who flew an American flag. But these are the lessons I learned. Above all, the Betcha matter taught me that the foundation of America — the rule of law — is a big fat lie, at least in Washington state. I always thought that the rule of law mattered, and that at the end of the day, no matter how long it would take to get to that day, I’d get a fair shake in a court of law.

It never got it. And if the judging in the Betcha case is even remotely indicative of judging in Washington generally, I doubt I’m the only one.

Read Full Post »

Bar Stool Economics

Think it’s unfair for “the rich” to get the lion’s share of tax breaks? Think again.
I get my fair share of random e-mails. Every so often one makes some sense. This one does a great job of explaining our tax system generally and tax cuts specifically:

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until on day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.”Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction, (still the smallest amount saved by percentage paid).

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking someplace where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible

Read Full Post »